This weekend I had the sad duty of paying my respects to an old departed friend of mine. He left before his time, and without a word to his friends.

When we arrived at the hotel, I arranged to have Judy go with us to see Lam. The next day, we met Judy at her house and drove to the cemetery where Lam was buried.

Knowing Lam, he did not make it easy for me to find him when he was alive. Now that he’s gone, he made it so much harder for us to find him still. Ironic, to say the least. The directions that the woman at the gate gave us were sketchy at best, and got us walking around the cemetery for quite a while before we found the area where his grave was. We searched the area but found no head stone that had his name, called my friend Jimmy (who attended the funeral), and ultimately found out that they had not placed the head stone on the grave yet.

Needless to say, this helped us find him as his spot was the only one with a fresh patch of grass with no head stone.

Judy, Lisa and I knelt and/or sat amidst moist grass for what must have been hours. I lost all track of time. Judy and I were talking about the old times that she had with him, the most memorable moments, etc. She made me realize how serious Lam was at times, especially about serious affairs. Maybe he had trouble letting go of certain things? I should thank Lam, at least, in that he brought Judy and I back together to see him … I hadn’t seen her in years! We placed fresh flowers and water before him, and stayed silent for a long while … it was a cold day, and as we stayed before him, it got colder and darker. It felt like it wanted to rain, like the heavens wanted to weep for his loss but couldn’t for they could not find pity in his actions. I felt angry at what he did, angry that he took this route, angry that he had chosen a path that was a coward’s path.

After leaving Judy to her homework back home, we departed and met with Tu-Thanh, whom I hadn’t seen in years as well. I think her being pregnant brought life back to that dreary day, and I was able to look upon brighter things. We talked about nothing in particular, small-talk that is known of people that don’t know each other. I think this was the best. She made me forget about Lam for just a little while. Forget my anger.

Later that day, I met up with my friend Jimmy. He made me realize what Lam had become in the years after he left high school: he had become a small fish in a big pond. When we were at Rosemead, he was one of the brightest students, and the most popular of those around him. He commanded the respect of his friends, and envy from those like me. But after he left fantasyland, it may have become clear to him that the world is a lot bigger than what he may have thought. Jimmy called him a loser. I think I would place him in the misguided category, not knowing how to recover his lost glory. His serious attitude being a handicap to his ability to heal.

If Jimmy is right, I’m amazed by the fact that such a bright individual couldn’t cope with changing times.

Lam Tuyen Ma is survived by his two children (whom I hope to someday meet), his wife, his sister, and his mother. May he rest in peace, and consider what he’s left behind in his journey back to nature.